Consider the Feelings

Wise People Consider Other People’s Feelings: A Guide for Healthy Marriages

Marriage is one of the most significant relationships where the art of consideration plays a central role. It’s not just about sharing your life with someone; it’s about understanding, validating, and valuing the feelings of the person you’ve chosen to do life with.

When we reflect on the two common relationship mistakes mentioned above—reacting to words without understanding feelings and invalidating emotions we don’t personally feel—it’s clear how these habits can erode intimacy and connection in a marriage. So, let’s unpack how we can respond to these pitfalls with wisdom and grace.

Mistake #1: Reacting Without Understanding Feelings

Think back to the last time you and your spouse had an argument. Did you focus on their words, or did you try to uncover the emotions behind them? Many couples get stuck at the surface level of what’s said, missing the deeper truths about how their partner feels.

Words spoken in frustration or anger are often clumsy, exaggerated, or even hurtful. But as the blog rightly points out, while words may not always reflect what someone means, feelings always reflect what they’re experiencing.

Instead of reacting defensively to a sharp remark like, “You never listen to me,” consider asking yourself, What are they really trying to say? Perhaps they feel unheard, overlooked, or unimportant. A wise response might be, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Can you help me understand how I can do better?”

This approach disarms conflict because it shows you care about the emotion behind the words, not just the words themselves. Consideration like this can transform an argument into an opportunity for connection.

Mistake #2: Invalidating Feelings You Don’t Personally Understand

Let’s be honest—sometimes your spouse’s emotions may not make sense to you. You may even think they’re overreacting. But here’s the hard truth: your job isn’t to understand their feelings; your job is to respect them.

When we dismiss emotions as irrational or unimportant, we unintentionally minimize our spouse’s experience. Instead of saying, “Why are you upset about that? It’s not a big deal,” try saying, “I can tell this really matters to you. Tell me more about why it’s affecting you.”

By validating your spouse’s feelings, you give them the freedom to express themselves without fear of judgment or dismissal. This builds trust, empathy, and deeper emotional intimacy.

Here’s an important reminder: feelings aren’t right or wrong—they simply are. Whether your spouse feels insecure, frustrated, or overwhelmed, it’s not your role to fix them. It’s your role to hear them, affirm them, and stand by them.

The Wisdom of Consideration

The Bible speaks volumes about the power of wisdom in relationships:“The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” (James 3:17, NIV).

When you apply heavenly wisdom in your marriage, you stop invalidating feelings or reacting impulsively. Instead, you choose to be considerate. This means:

1. Listening First: Slow down and truly listen to your spouse’s heart, not just their words.

2. Seeking Understanding: Ask thoughtful questions to uncover what’s really going on beneath the surface.

3. Offering Empathy: Let your spouse know you see them and their feelings matter to you, even if you don’t share the same experience.

Being considerate is not about agreeing with every emotion your spouse expresses—it’s about respecting their right to feel it.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Consideration in Your Marriage

1. Pause Before You React: The next time your spouse says something hurtful or dramatic, pause. Ask yourself, “What’s the emotion behind this?”

2. Ask Instead of Assume: Instead of assuming you know why they feel a certain way, ask open-ended questions like, “What’s making you feel this way?”

3. Resist the Urge to Fix: Validate first. Respond with phrases like, “That makes sense,” or “I understand why you’d feel that way,” before offering solutions.

4. Pray for Wisdom: Ask God for the wisdom to be considerate, peace-loving, and full of mercy in your interactions.

Marriage as a Place of Grace

When we embrace consideration, our marriages become a safe space for both spouses to feel seen, heard, and loved. It’s not about being perfect or always knowing the right thing to say. It’s about showing up with a heart that seeks to understand and care.

So, the next time you’re faced with words that sting or feelings that confuse you, choose the path of wisdom. Be considerate. Because wise people, as the blog reminds us, always look beyond the words to consider the heart.

And in marriage, that makes all the difference.

What steps can you take today to show more consideration in your relationship? Let us know in the comments below—we’d love to hear from you!